Grieving Children

By: Trisha Knueven

As a nanny I have cared for three children who have lost a parent to death.  I searched for answers on how to help these children long-term and came up short.  The questions I set out to answer were:

-How does this significant death affect a child years later? 

-How can I help the child? 

-What is important to know about child grieving in order to support the child?

I found several great resources at my local library including a book I read cover to cover called Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies by J. William Worden.  This book is mainly the conclusions of a Child Bereavement Study conducted by Dr. Phyllis Silverman and the author studying children between ages 6 and 17 who lost a parent to death.  The study followed the children for 2 years after the death and compared them to a non-bereaved sample of children.  Each chapter ends with a bulleted summary.

What I learned that was most helpful is that mourning is a process for children much like it is for adults.  Just because a child is younger doesn’t mean death will not affect them.  Throughout a child’s life the mourning process changes and the child makes adjustments.  There are four tasks a child must process:

-Accept the reality of the loss

-Experience the pain or emotional aspects of the loss

-Adjust to the environment in which the deceased is missing

-Relocate the dead person within one’s life and memorialize the late parent

There are six major categories of mediating factors that contribute to grief reactions:

1.     Death and the rituals surrounding it

2.     The relationship of the child to the deceased parent before and after their death

3.     Functioning of the surviving parent and their ability to parent the child

4.     Family influences (size, solvency, structure, style of coping, support, communication, family stressors, changes, daily life disruptions)

5.     Support from peers and friends

6.     Characteristics of the child (age, gender, self-perception, and understanding of death). 

The good news is that even as a nanny, one can provide the three things a child needs: support, nurturance, and continuity.

It takes longer for a child to adjust to the loss than an adult.  Some reactions might not be felt for months and possibly years depending on the child.  A child who has anxiety, acting-out behavior, somaticization, changes in self-esteem by not be adjusting well.  A referral for treatment from a professional should be sought.

Activities that can be helpful include:

Art

-Drawing

what a child worries about

what makes the child sad

a favorite memory

a recent dream

-Clay modeling

            create your anger

-Puppet activities

            create all the family members and have them interact

Writing

-Journaling

            writing about thoughts, feelings, and questions about the lost parent

-Letters (Be careful this does not confuse the child into thinking the parent is just away and not dead)

            write to the deceased parent

-Lists

            facts about the parent

            facts about their death

            fantasies about their late parent

-Memorials

            redesign the funeral service

Memory Book

-stories

-pictures the child drew or draws to the late parent

-photographs

Storytelling

-Read and discuss books together

            The Fall of Freddie the Leaf by Leo Buscaglia

            Aarvy Aardvark by Donna O’Toole

Games

-Five Faces depicting five emotions where each child takes a turn telling about an experience that made them feel that emotion

-Question Box about death or funerals where children and an adult sit together to answer the slips of paper together

-It’s Not Fair When is played by passing a box and completing the phrase as the child slams the box on the floor

The book explains more ideas for helping children cope with their feelings and work through their mourning.  This is just a partial list to get you started in the right direction.  Of course, do not undertake any of these without the parents permission or without the direction of professionals.

Other books that might be helpful are:

Helping Children Grieve by Theresa M. Huntley

When Children Grieve by John W. James & Russell Friedman

Encouraging Reading

By: Trisha Knueven

Have you ever ran into the dilemma of having a terrific reader who wants to read easier books?  If so, I have some ideas for you!  I recently read in a nanny newsletter some great ideas to encourage school agers to continue reading and the one that stuck out in my mind is to create a book club among the child's friends.  What a wonderful idea!  Thank you Nanny Placement's Newsletter for giving me that tip!  Another thing that I like to do is read aloud playing "follow the leader."  This is where both of you sit down to read and take turns reading each paragraph or each page.  This is helpful on those more difficult books or where there is a great deal of new vocabulary.  Your reader can pick up on the many ways in which you read (speed, expression) and you can also model sounding out the difficult words with phonics or word family strategies.  I have found this approach to be encouraging as it also focuses on sharing cozy quality time.

I have also tried to think of a way to encourage reading those tough books.  With a quick search of the internet I found some helpful resources.  There are several systems that are used to score a book's reading level.  Check with your elementary school to find the one that they use.  Here is a website that I found helpful: http://weblink.scsd.us/~liblinks/Reading_Grade-Level_Comparison_Chart.pdf 

This site explains the Fountas & Pinnell (Guided Reading), Basal Level, DRP (Degrees of Reading Power), Reading Recovery, DRA Level and Lexile Level.  You can then use whatever system to find a site with a suitable book list.  For example, I chose Fountas & Pinnell and found a great resource at: http://home.comcast.net/~ngiansante/

Using this list of books I can now allow my charge to select one off the list for our reading incentive program.  During the summer I found out that my charges would love to go to Chuck E Cheese. So, I quickly devised a token system to reward reading for so many pages, chapters, or books.  This worked like a charm!  That became a win-win situation and summer reading was under way.  I may continue another similar system to encourage the reading book club.  One of my struggles is knowing whether or not what was read was actually absorbed.  So, before I give out tokens, I quiz the reader about the plot line.

Also during my book list search I ran into some information that was very helpful.  Not all children enjoy reading at their reading level.  Perhaps they have a high reading interest with a low reading level.  There is a special list of books that are coded with a reading level and interest level.  The website is called "Hi-Lo" which stands for a high interest and a low reading level.  These can be found at: About.com: http://www.monroe.lib.in.us/childrens/booklists/hilobib.html

Why is reading at a child's grade level so important?  It is a strong indicator of future academic success.  Here's a website that talks more about this: http://www.k12.wa.us/EarlyLearning/Administrators/DevelopingStrategies/ThirdGradeReadingGoal.pdf

It looks like to me that this is one thing a parent should look for when choosing their child's school.  Reading success is important!  Also, I know for a fact that most literature found in today's society is geared towards the 8th grade reading level.  Why?  Because there are so many high school drop outs.  We can count on literate people being able to read at least at this level.  Wouldn't it be great if that was increased over the next few generations?  Now we have the research to help us map out that change and you now have the knowledge to encourage this change.

Now for a personal blurb.  I have to say that as a young child I hated reading myself.  In early elementary school I had reading practice aloud at home at the end of the kitchen while my mother cooked dinner.  Perhaps it was the location that resonated with me the most.  It was where I was typically punished as well.  In my mind I linked reading aloud as a punishment and was completely turned off to reading.  I certainly did not want to read and found it to be a struggle for many years when I did.  I never read leisurely.  I was an extremely sensitive child too.  It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized perhaps I was put in lower reading groups because of this struggle.  Reading typical coursework and assignments was a struggle in the middle school and high school years, but nobody knew because I wasn't a very vocal child either.  I had a great deal of stubborn determination and this kept me going.  I finally started to read for fun just before high school, but the books I read were well below my grade level and I read them so slowly savoring every word.  I tested below my ability level on standardized tests too and could never figure out why.  Perhaps I didn't read and absorb what I read fast enough on the timed tests.  Having better reading skills early on certainly would have helped.  The reason why I share this is that it is never too late to start helping a child get back on track.  For me my story ends well.  I took college English classes while I was in high school in order to "skip" two years of English.  Those classes were hard though, but somehow I made it through.  I graduated from high school on time with my class.  I also went on to complete a 4 year college degree.  After high school I realized that going to the library and looking for books though the online catalogues can be so much fun!  I now frequent several libraries on a regular basis and encourage every child in my care to read, read, read and have fun doing so.  For those of you who do not know, there is a wonderful online resource through the Cincinnati Public Library.  You do not have to be a Cincinnati resident to utilize their catalogue.  You just need a library card and password.  The catalogue is at: www.cincinnatilibrary.org/

You can search for a specific book, put it on hold, have it transferred automatically from any branch, and pick it up from the closest branch to you.  It is quite an amazing system!  Oh, and just in case you did not know, the library has more than just typical books.  They also have DVDs, videos, music CDs, big over sized books, and books on CD.  Check out a story time or another program at the branch near you.  You can find all of the calendar events under the "Upcoming Events" link on their home page.

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Enjoy reading with your child a make it a fun daily event!

Around Town: Cincinnati History Museum

By: Karen Musclow

I realize you are all aware of our wonderful Museum Center at Union Terminal. The Children’s Museum is fantastic and can provide hours of entertainment. But have you and your charges checked into the other two museums located at Union Terminal? Today, I’m going to talk about the Cincinnati History Museum.

When I first decided to take the boys (6, 4, and infant) to this museum, I fully expected to be leading a quick tour through it amidst cries of “this is boring” and “can we go to the ball area now?” I was pleasantly surprised to find this was not the case at all! The Cincinnati History Museum provides various interactive areas for young children to explore along with providing opportunities for you to introduce the children to basic local history.

As you walk in, you see an antique car right in front. What a great chance to make children aware that cars have changed! To the left is the Cincinnati in Motion display, which is basically a working (lights, trains, and streetcars) miniature of Cincinnati from the 1940’s, I believe. I point out areas that the boys are familiar with (riverfront, zoo, museum), talking about how they used to look. Hidden in the corner is an area with train tables. You can get toy trains to play with at the information desk by handing over your driver’s license.

The next thing we usually visit is the old trolley car. Though the boys mostly enjoy running through it, I had them sit down and look at the scenes displayed outside the window. We talked about how this very trolley car used to be ridden by people in downtown Cincinnati (and how it wasn’t that long ago). Further underground (down the ramps), we usually speed through the first displays, though an older child might have more interest in learning of the Native Americans and colonial Cincinnati. But then we reach the canal display and spend quite a time playing with there, loading and unloading barges and passing them through the locks. This is a bit high up though and the littlest ones can’t reach. I had a great time explaining how locks worked and now T (4) wants to see a real lock in action. (Anyone know of any local? I don’t think there are anymore).

Down the next ramp is a model of a boat that would then be turned into a cabin after arriving at one’s destination. Dress-up clothes are provided and even the little one had a blast moving items from the boat to the cabin and back again. As we pass over examples of road surfaces, we talk about the difficulties with each (mostly walking!). Then we arrive at the Public Landing and the steamboat provides the chance to learn about steam engines and how boats were used on the Ohio River. For older children, there’s also the print shop and apothecary.

Though there’s a bit more (another steam engine and some cars), at this point, the boys are done and ready to move on to one of the other museums (or lunch!). I’m thankful that the History Museum exists and provides some hands-on learning opportunities for little ones. Have fun exploring history!

Quick Tip: Clean Hands & Teeth Check

By: Trisha Knueven

I find myself asking, "Did you brush your teeth?" and "Did you wash your hands?" all the time now.  I didn't exactly know for sure if the answer I was given was the honest truth.  So, I imposed a response of "Great, let me smell your breath/hands."  It never fails!  I get a smile and a run to do it if they didn't actually do it, or a very willing child who lets me take a sniff.  Luckily I haven't smelled bad breath yet!

By: Greta Schraer

I cannot believe it is that time again…Back to School! Time to start getting organized, collecting school supplies, and getting back into that school-year routine. Today I bring to you fun items that kids will love, that also help to stay organized, at least around the house. Help kids learn to have a place for everything. It will make after school time easier for you and them! (Click the titles to go to the actual links of all these items.)

Art Caddy

I loved this idea that puts together all the art basics for kids. Creating an art caddy is not only fun to use for crafts, but ready and waiting for the homework assignments that also need some creativity....

Jump on over to REGARDING NANNIES: My Favorite Things - Back To School 2011 post to read more! 

Quick Tip Tuesday: Don’t Throw Those Broken Crayons Away!

 By: Amy Miller

Nannies, we all know about broken crayons, right?

My charges have tons of crayons! Crayons in the basement! Crayons in the art boxes! Crayons in the book bags! There are even crayons at Miss Amy’s house. At some point most of them end up broken. Instead of throwing these broken crayons away recycle, reuse, and try one of these ideas.
　
　

Make Your Own Crayons

(picture from somewhatsimple.com)

1. Separate crayons into like color groups. (or mix it up & make your own colors)
2. Place the groups of crayons in a cupcake baking pan. (Do not spray the pan!)
3. Bake crayons @ 350 degrees for 10 minutes.
4. Put the crayons (still in baking pan) into the freezer for 10 minutes.
5. The crayons should pop out easily.

The girls loved them and it made for hours of fun. If you have a toddler, the shape and size, is perfect for their small hands to grip on to. You could also use molds of different shapes such as hearts.
　
　

Crayons To Candles

For about $10 you can turn a mess of broken crayons into beautiful candles. This would be a project for older children and needs supervision, but it looks fun! For instructions on this craft check out Instructables.
　
　

What does a recycled egg carton & broken crayons have in common?

A great storage solution!

This is an organizing project even the kids will love!

Simple & Easy and Fun & Educational.

All you need is an egg carton. Any size works, but the large egg cartons will give you more room for storage. Have the kids separate all the crayons into groups of like colors. This is fun for the kids, but aren’t we sneaky? This is also a great color learning activity for younger children. Once all the crayons are separated, place each colored group into the departments of the egg cartoon. Now you have a creative, but organized storage solution for all those broken crayons.

　

　

So… Don’t Throw Those Broken Crayons Away!!!

Nanny 101: Finding the "Perfect" Job

Finding the “Perfect” Job is like finding the “Perfect” Marriage. By the true definition of the word perfect, both of these are impossible. Still, I believe there are a few lessons that can be learned and applied to a job process that can help it be a successful one. So let’s get started with today’s class.

Nanny 101: Finding the “Perfect” Job
By: Greta Schraer

Lesson 1: Know Yourself

Just like each job is unique, each person seeking the job is unique. You bring with you personal expectations of the future and frustrations of the past. However, each experience you have had has prepared you for the future – if you choose to look at it that way. Take the time to ponder the things that you have enjoyed about your previous jobs and families, and the things that you haven’t. Maybe you love to travel, or hated to travel. Maybe you have worked with a stay-at-home-parent, and that was a really hard job for you. 


To read the rest of this article go to: REGARDING NANNIES: Nanny 101: Finding the "Perfect" Job.

Quick Tip Tuesday: Pancakes with Pizzaz

By: Trisha Knueven

If your child loves the frozen pancakes that you simply heat up at the spur of the moment any time of the day then you will feel the same way I did when they run out. OH NO!  Instead of absolutely panicking I decided to turn this potentially horrible moment into something fun and exciting.  A fairytale ending of sorts.  Instead of the frozen circles we ripped out the pancake mix, that we happened to have stashed in the closet, and made our own.  I'm not just talking about regular circles, we made the famous Mickey Mouse ones and dressed them up with chocolate chips.  We used chips as eyes, nose, mouth, earrings, buttons, etc.  Creativity saved the morning.  I do believe we had more fun together that morning than we had all week.  It was truly exciting!  So, let your creativity rip next time you run out of a favorite.  By the way, the Mickey Mouse kind are now in high demand and come with the entire body!

Safe Surfing

By: Amy Miller

  

I was sitting on the couch, laptop on my lap, and the television was on, but mostly just for background noise. OK. I will admit, I was on Facebook playing Farmtown. Out of the corner of my eye I caught the computer clock and actually had to blink a few times, because I thought I was seeing things. 12:35AM- is what the clock said. Sad, but true. This is where my inspiration came from for this post.

Children are just as fascinated with computers as adults. When P was only 4 years old, she loved to climb on my lap to play Petville or watch picture slideshows. At the same time, her older sister, J, was going through the “Let’s just Google it” stage and only at 9 years old.

The online world can be just as scary as the real world. It can also be addicting! I love being able to connect and communicate in so many ways… Facebook, Twitter, email, blogs, online communities and much more. Plus, all that information and knowledge right at my finger tips. I am just like little J; I love to Google everything! However, sometimes I even have to tell myself, “Amy, put down the computer, take a break, and rejoin the real world!“

So, how do we make the internet safe for kids, without taking away the fun and great resources it offers?

Here are just a few of my tips… 

1. Have a conversation. Just have a conversation. Be honest and open. That doesn’t mean we have to be specific on all the horrible things that have and could happen. Simple and sweet- the internet can be full of information and tons of fun, but it is not always safe.

2. Set Rules & Consequences. Before allowing children to jump on the computer and enter into the online realm set some clear rules and consequences if those rules are broken. Make sure you stick to it! For older children, parents may want to consider having their child sign an “Internet Use Agreement”. I found several just by typing in keywords like parent, child, internet, online, computer, agreement into Google.

3. Set Up A Computer Area. Setting up a specific computer area with in “eyes reach” will allow you to monitor the child’s computer activity better.

4. Utilize Parental Controls. We all know life with kids can become crazy in just a moment, right? So, just because the child on the computer is in the same room as you, the baby could start crying, the phone could ring, the oven timer could go off, and so on. Having those parental controls in place will at least give you some peace of mind certain sites are not being visited. Check out this article by Mark Carpenter from Microsoft on how to use parental controls

5. Have A Computer Schedule. Scheduling computer times can be effective if you have multiple children who all want their own turn with the computer. Having a schedule with help you get organize and have minimum arguments. Plus, boundaries have been set- the child knows when he/she is allowed to be on the computer. Encourage the child to use non-computer times to read a book , play outside, etc.

6. Lead By Example. Do as I say, not as I do- this doesn’t really work. Monkey see, Monkey do- that is more like it. Need a new recipe or art craft to do with the kids? Pull out the computer, show them how to “Google it”, put the computer back in it’s place, and start baking those new yummy cookies you just found.

I would love to hear more tips from other parents and nannies!

I did some research and put together a list of safe websites for young children…

http://disney.go.com/index

http://disney.go.com/games/#/games/

http://disney.go.com/disneyjunior

http://disney.go.com/princess/

http://www.pbs.com

http://www.sesamestreet.org/

http://www.seussville.com/

http://www.berenstainbears.com/learnfun.html

http://www.crayola.com/

http://www.americangirl.com/fun/

http://www.barbie.com/

http://www.pollypocket.com/

http://www.clubpenguin.com/

Story-time: Sneak Attack!

By: Karen Glascow

B is working at one table...

T is working at another...

When suddenly, a small hand reaches out and swipes at an unsuspecting leg...

Baby sneak attack!

(CincyNanny ensures that the parents are OK with pictures and stories shared on the blog.)